Hello everyone its my bday today!!! I have neglected putting pen to paper on some NG blogs and thoughts for a while, so here’s a blog with some thoughts!
I feel like over past year or so I’ve generally and nicely settled into proper ADULTHOOD and whatnot well. Last year I had a big handful of newgrounds refugees semi-living with me, but in October of 2022 I finally ended up LIVING ALONE for the first time since…. EVER!!! I’ve grown up with siblings, family, then once I moved out I had roommates and whatnot for a few years. It does feel like I’ve seen the other side of LIFE and INDEPENDENCE. I do find myself to be independent person, and enjoy pushing myself in ways like that. 2020 I sorta moved across the country, and now I live in big city all by myself!!! That’s old news now tho! Last autumn I went to Newgrounds office to work with Dave on FUNKIN stuff, and when I got back in October of last year was when I was FULLY ALONE in my apartment / life for the first time ever.
All my life I feel like I’ve had run ins with ANXIETY and ANXIOUSNESS, which may sound funny seeing as I do all these crazy and zany things like moving across the country bwah! But I think last October, after being ALONE I feel like I was whiplashed into this weirdo state of being stressed and anxious 24/7. In a way it all felt weird and surreal and normal or whatever, but it did get to the point where I called one of those emergency hotline things since I really didn’t know what to do or how to go about it. I don’t thiiiink it was panic attack or anything like that, but I do remember having nice chill conversation with the hotline person, and they mentioned going to the emergency room at the toronto CAMH (center for mental health), and the thought didn’t cross my mind, it didn’t FEEL like an emergency, but it was this weird moment of clarity of “huh, normal ass people really don’t deal with this”, SO I ended up going before my brain got too brokey. I think I watched Scott the Woz vids in the emergency room to calm me down heheh.
I got thru all that fuss, and the doctor man prescribed me with some yummy candy to make my brain feel better. Those took a few weeks to kick in and I’ve been feeling relatively better since then. Generally I think I’m on a pursuit to NOT BE BUSTED. There’s many things like that I still need to get sorted out in the future still. I feel like everyone online got somethin broke in their brain ADHD wise, I’ve had an itch that there can be somethin buggin wit my brain with that stuff decent chunk lately, but doh!! I gotta wait til November for little appointment stuff. Things like health can be TOO easily neglected, especially if you are USA based where you don’t get healthcare equipped when u spawn default (gaming reference). I like to HOPE that I’m becoming more mature with things like my own health and all that, not neglecting it, etc. Almost as important as paying your taxes, making sure your body and MIND are in proper working order via healthcare is something that I do hope to work towards more as my years of life go forward!!! I’ve neglected eye glasses appointment for a smidge… I forgot that I get a free eye checkup per year in Canada! I’ll treat myself to that as bday present.
I am 24 years old! To me this is abouuuut when people are finishing up college? And getting their jobs and careers together? Something like that. There’s definitely things I hope to grow into. This year at Funkin’ Crew Inc. we’ve started working with more people FULL TIME. People who work with us as a JOB, where me and Dave are the LEADERS. I don’t think me or Dave have particular insights that make us IDEAL for these roles, I think it’s something that people can grow into, we’ve definitely had our own fumbles along the way! And we will have more! I’m expected to be a co-leader with Dave but I should be interning for some dipshit tech company right now at this age bwah! Not even employee!!! Intern!!! I think da skills and exp gained from working with people off Newgrounds was VERY important in my brain development in these aspects. Every so often I do wonder what the next few years look like. Will we be battle hardened developers, able to take on any project? Will I be a GAME DEVELOPER once Funkin’ is done and out? Should I still go to college HMMMM?
Every once in a while I get the question “what will you do after FNF? FNF 2?” which I think is asked since Funkin’ is a big ambitious video game and it might seem like a big colossal task to finish. The answer I’ve had for a long time for that has been… what do musicians do once they finish an album? They make the next album! So for me that would mean MORE GAMES. Although through this year while getting our team working on the insides, and outsides of FNF, I’ve gotten a taste of more things. I’ve found hardware appealing, general SOFTWARE, web development, all of that stuff have poked at my interests and scratched itches that I feel I haven’t gotten with game development. Not to say I’d abandon video games!!! I think I’m always poking around at more THINGS TO do. Making music doesn’t take away my brain from making games, video editing, setting up Newgrounds theater don’t either! I find it all nice to expand brain. As of right now my answer (but not a promise) after Funkin’ is I think it’d be awesome to make animation software good enough to make Adobe weep. The more I use and enjoy GOOD SOFTWARE in my life… it makes me sad face when I think about Flash/Animate. In the same way that you’d create games that you wish were real, I would like to create software that I wish was real. Something as intuitive and nice to use as Flash, with no bullshit, and open source!!!! Maybe one day… my one bday wish….
I’ve lived in my apartment for about a year and a half now, which is the longest I’ve lived somewhere since about 2018-2019. The longest I’ve ever lived somewhere was probably 3 ish years max! I feel like over the past few years I’ve gotten more tastes of having a proper SETTLEMENT. The first few times I went to the Newgrounds office in Glenside, one thing I still keep with me is just simple things, like heading to the local spots that you’d probably only hit by living there for so long. Over the past year I’ve done little bit of that and gone through the various coffee shops in Toronto, since this year I’ve also got into drinking coffee, along with other local spots. Basically enjoying being a Toronto LOCAL. Back in March and July, I visited @Digimin and @snackers respectively, where they live with their family in their homes they’ve had all their lives, or at least since their childhoods! As mentioned I’ve never really had footing in any one house for too long through my life so far, so it was very refreshing visiting them, seeing the lives they’ve had with their families. Digi lives in San Jose, California and it was very beautiful for MARCH. I can see why people decide to move there. Although they fuckin mean it when they say that America was built for cars, not people. Because god damn there’s too many roads and the roads are too big!
Visiting Snackers in July, he lives in Galway, Ireland. Which had…. MOODY weather for July, gray and raining most of the week I was there. I’m not complaining though! It fit the atmosphere! I feel like I can describe it accurately as… the exact opposite as San Jose. “Downtown” Galway feels like classic Europe town like ur in some JRPG where you can just WALK around and explore the many shops. San Jose you had to fuckin fast travel bruh! Galway was very pleasant for that aspect, walking around. And along with seeing Digi’s family, seeing Snackers’ family was very DELIGHTFUL. They all have funny irish accents and it was charming. Cheers. It did remind me a lot of HOME and where I grew up. Everyone knows everyone, everyone who lives there has lived there many years and all grew up with each other, forests and greenery, fields and farms. The lakes I grew up with were replaced by the SEA. It’s also been a while since I visited my hometown, so it was very welcoming to feel like home after so long. Even back in San Fransisco / San Jose when I was visiting Digi I felt that a bit too, spring was kicking in, and compared to Toronto, there were bits of that area that I could say felt LUSH like British Columbia. And also it’s on west coast… Miss pacific standard time… Maybe my it’s all a mirage from my brain since I’ve been away from BC for so long!!!
I’m definitely still trying to find my footing in LIVING. But love to all my friends and the people around me, love to everyone on Newgrounds, love to everyone in Toronto, Glenside, San Jose, Galway, and special love to everyone in 100 Mile House, British Columbia, Canada. Love to everyone I met and spent time with during TooManyGames times, and everyone I’ve met and spent time with during Toronto Newgrounds meetup times.
With all sincerity you are all the why’s and how’s of my life and living. EVERY BIT OF IT. I hope for another year of meeting Newgrounds users, and while doing so, feeling home in some form.
Finishing this post at tim hortons from 5am-6:30am, yall want anything?